thatguywiththeglassesfandomcom-20200216-history
Anita Blake: The Laughing Corpse 1-2
(Harvey Finevoice is seen sitting on the Futon instead of Linkara) Harvey: Welcome, guys and dolls, to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. You're probably wondering where that kid Linkara is. All I gotta say is, "What, are you writing a book or something?" Get with it! The show producers needed someone to take home the bread while they drag him back, and they wisely asked me to fill in. (Cut to a shot of the book "Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter - Guilty Pleasures, Vol. One") Havery (v/o): Guess you want me to talk about this comic. Well, let me give you the word on this chick, Anita Blake. They started out as some novels by Laurell K. Hamilton. She's supposed to be one crazy dame, too. She apparently works in some alternate world where ghouls like vampires and werewolves and other crap are common. She also moonlights raising the dead. Harvey: Then again, so do I. Give me a room full of hot, broken people, a microphone, and the pipes to sing "The Last Dance", and you'll see the dead rise. (Cut to a cover of a comic adaptation of the novel) Harvey (v/o): So Marvel went and got itself the license or something to the books and now are producing comic versions of Hamilton's "Anita Blake" novels. Personally, I don't see the point. After all, why not just read the flippin' books? But hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the adaptations really swing. Or... it seems they swing the other way. Oh, and apparently, Linkara wasn't too keen on reviewing these things... (Cut to a shot of a review of this comic on Chris' Invincible Super-Blog) Harvey (v/o): ...since some guy on some blog has already been doing his own funny reviews of the funny books. Harvey: Personally, I don't give a rat's behind about the Internet, and I'll review whatever I feel like reviewing, so I– (suddenly, he gets interrupted by a call on his blue tooth; he answers it) Huh? (pause) What do you mean the show's on the Internet? (another pause) Aw, nuts to it all! (holds up two Anita Blake comics to be reviewed) Dig in, kids, it's "Anita Blake: The Laughing Corpse, #1 and #2"! (''AT4W title sequence plays; then the title card for this episode comes up, with "The Last Dance" by Frank Sinatra playing in the background; cut to a shot of the cover, showing Anita pointing a gun with holding a rifle over her shoulder)'' Harvey (v/o): The first cover is– WHOA, LADY! Careful where you aim that thing! So, this is the dame herself, Miss Anita Blake. Can't say I'm too terribly impressed with a lady who doesn't know how dry cleaning works on her clothes. I admit, the cover is striking and all that jazz, but the art itself is questionable. For example, why is the nose so tiny and so red? What, she got like some kind of a chipmunk disease or something? The angered, strong expression is weakened by not only the nose thing, but the fact that her lips are so folded they look like they'll pop like a balloon. Also, when your face is as white as the gradient background, it's time to consider tanning salons, lady. (The comic opens to the first page) Harvey (v/o): First up is a recap of the previous miniseries. I know I should probably be reading that one first, but frankly, I had this one lying around, and didn't feel like searching for the other. (reads text) "St. Louis isn't just a city of the living anymore." Harvey: Yeah, it's also the city that stiffed me on my last gig. Harvey (v/o): "Vampires and werewolves prowl the back alleys and quarters of this beautiful and damned city, fearing nothing." Harvey: Yeah? Give me ten minutes with the pansies, and I'll give them something to fear. Harvey (v/o): "Nothing, that is, except Anita Blake, the Executioner. A court-appointed vampire executioner..." Harvey: Great, this is a Law and Order spinoff. Harvey (v/o): "Anita reminds these monsters that even the laws of man apply to the undead..." Harvey: Yeah, I'm sure vampires and werewolves really live in fear of "no passing on the right" signs. Harvey (v/o): "But Anita isn't only known for her deadly talents; she is also an Animator..." Funny, I know some animators, too, and they sure as Dixie don't draw people like they're all suffering from the flu. We open this shindig on a mansion, where Anita Blake and her associate bird are at some fancy-pants mansion. Anita: (narrating) Perfect grass, right in the middle of the one of the worst– Harvey (v/o): Annnd right away, this comic loses points for the typo. (said typo is the word "the" before "one") Anita: (narrating) Perfect grass, right in the middle of ONE of the worst droughts Missouri has had in over twenty years. Oh well, I wasn't here to talk to Harold Gaynor about water management. Harvey: Then why did you bring it up? Harvey (v/o): If it's the shot of the guys loaded, we can tell that from the Better Homes and Gardens mansion. Anita: (narrating) I am an Animator. It's a job, that's all, like selling. Harvey: Yeah, raising the dead is really comparable to selling telephones. Harvey (v/o): Seriously, what is with the noses on these people? Why is everybody one of Rudolph's cousins? Anyway, they're at this guy's house, a Mr. Gaynor. Anita: (narrating) Walking over the gravel in my black, high-heeled pumps made my feet hurt. Women may get to wear lots of pretty colors, but men get the comfortable shoes. Harvey: Yeah, lady, you sure get to wear some pretty colors, like black and dark blue. (shrugs) Harvey (v/o): Last time I checked, they made shoes for dames that don't hurt so much, so maybe you ought to go and get some. They meet their clients: some whale in a wheelchair apparently, is Mr. Gaynor. Turns out this blond guy with the bad tan Bert is Anita's boss, and he's only interested in how much money he can get for his little zombie resurrection business. Then Captain Wheelchair brings in his bimbo. Mr. Gaynor: Ah, this is Cicely. Harvey: No, that's a Barbie doll. Harvey (v/o): Fatman Strothers says he wants Anita to raise a 283-year-old corpse. Harvey: At that point, I'm pretty sure they stopped being corpses and start being cat litter. Harvey (v/o): Anita refuses, despite the million-dollar price point. Here's the lowdown... Anita: The older the zombie, the bigger the death needed to raise it. After a few centuries, the only death 'big enough' is a human sacrifice. Harvey: What, big enough? Why not just kill an elephant or something? Anita: Do you really want to talk about murder in front of Cicely? Mr. Gaynor: She can't understand a word we say. Cicely's deaf. I hate a woman that talks constantly. Harvey: You know, maybe I just don't swing in the right circles, but I don't know too many deaf people who hang around murderous fat slobs and just smile all day, even when no one else is. Harvey (v/o): Anita's sidekick says it's time to leave when he realizes what was going down. For some reason, she suddenly says... Anita: Do you really think I came in here unarmed? Harvey (v/o): Uh, nobody threatened you, lady. In fact, the old dude says no one needs to die. They back and forth for a few panels about how telling the police would be useless because he's rich. We all know one hit to the gut would take this manatee down. The two walk away, and we cut to Blake heading to a bridal store. Harvey: 'Cause when I pick up a book about vampire hunters, of course, I want to see women trying on dresses. Harvey (v/o): The lady at the store is trying to cover up the scars she has from that vampire hunting she supposedly does. First, she's got gloves, but Blake doesn't like wearing gloves. Anita: (narrating) They make me feel like I'm touching the world through a curtain. Harvey: Given the artwork for this comic, I prefer to be touching this thing through a curtain. Anita: (narrating) She thought scars would distract people from the wedding party, especially the bride. Harvey: Let me ask the ladies in my audience: when you go to a wedding, are you checking the bridesmaids for scars? Bridal store lady: (holding up some flowers) This is the solution to our problem. It is a collar. Anita: It goes around my neck? Harvey: No, it goes around your ankle. What do you think?! Harvey (v/o): (a panel shows Anita's face) Ah, look at that face. Every time I see that face, I only want to say one thing to her... Harvey: (pointing at camera with his cigarette) Buy yourself a new nose, lady! That one's three sizes too small! Harvey (v/o): She finally agrees to wear the stupid flower thing to cover up her scar. Anita: I look like I've been dipped in Pepto Bismol. Harvey: Speaking of medication, I could go for some right now. Another woman as mentioned momentarily: Oh, Anita, you look adorable. Anita: Thanks. Elizabeth: I especially like the ribbons at your throat. We'll all be wearing them, you know. Harvey (v/o): Ribbons? There's like one tiny bow, and the rest are flowers, you blind idiot! Elizabeth: Don't you like the dresses? Anita: (narrating) I decided not to answer on the grounds that it might piss someone off. Harvey: Too late, lady. Everything you say is starting to get my hackles up. Isn't this thing supposed to be about monster fighting? Anita: (narrating) What can you expect from a woman who has a perfectly good name like Elizabeth, but prefers to be named after a cow? Harvey: Who are you, the Name Rater from Pokemon? She can call herself whatever she wants! Harvey (v/o): Anita gets a call to come over to a crime scene. Dolph: (on phone) Whatever did this wasn't human. Anita: Vampire? Dolph: You're the undead expert. That's why I want you to come take a look. Anita: Okay, where are you? Dolph: St. Charles. Anita: I'll be right there. Harvey (v/o): Yeah, don't an address or anything, just drive around St. Charles for a while until you find the cops. Anita: (narrating) Dolph said it was messy. Messy didn't cover this. Harvey: (as Anita) The kids were playing with Jello again. Voice off to side: You look a little green, Blake. Harvey (v/o): Um, no, she doesn't. This woman's been pale white since we first saw her. The class act here Zerbrowkski continues. Zerbrowkski: Is our fierce vampire slayer gonna upchuck on the victims? Harvey (v/o): For the record, you can be a badass warrior and still lose your foot on your Jeff Goldblum wannabe. I can tell you about this one time singing with Dean Martin; almost lost my lunch on stage. But sadly, we're here to talk about interesting things, like... uh... Okay, this comic isn't interesting in the slightest, but I got things to do, and it's wasting my time. Anita: (narrating) Dolph was head of the regional preternatural investigation team, the Spook Squad. It was a place to dump the troublemakers, like Zerbrowkski. Harvey (v/o): AKA, moron boy hitting on Blake. Anita: (narrating) Dolph was the perfect policeman. I always sort of figured he had offended someone high up by being too good at his job. Dolph: I want to know what you see, not what I tell you you're supposed to see. Anita: (narrating) Dolph had been telling me that since the first case we worked together. Harvey: Yeah... I think I know a different reason why he was kicked down the pipe, lady. Harvey (v/o): Seriously, what kind of cop expects the outside adviser to be him all the details? If he's a good cop, he should've already spotted all the details and just asked her on the phone with her would've been. For that matter, if this "preternatural division" is part of the police, why aren't there any card experts in the field of vampires and demons and junk working for them? She passes by some pile of goo that looks like something an ex-girlfriend once cooked for me, and asks for some rubber gloves to touch it. Didn't she say she didn't like wearing gloves? Anita: (narrating) I touched the side of what lay on the floor, trying to make sense of what I was seeing. Harvey: (as Anita, pretending to touch something) Yep, this is definitely dead. Harvey (v/o): She identifies it as being part of a human rib cage. Anita: (narrating) The room suddenly felt very hot. Harvey: Apparently, dismembered rib cages get this woman all hot and bothered. Anita: (narrating) I was fine. Heap big vampire slayer. Riiiight. Harvey (v/o): "Heap big"? What the heck does that even mean? Anita: (narrating) I liked the remains better when I couldn't figure out what part of the body they were. Harvey: I liked you better before you started the narrating. Anita: No signs of a weapon that I can see, but the coroner will tell you that. Harvey (v/o): Lady, it's a rib cage with some flesh! I don't think anybody expected you to finger the murder weapon right there. Anita: (narrating) Empty. The heart, lungs, everything the ribs protect, all missing... Harvey (v/o): Gee, could that be because we're looking at a McRib sandwich there? Dolph: Impressions? Harvey: Well, people tell me that I could do a mean Buddy Holly, but... Anita: Extreme violence. More than human strength. The body's been ripped apart by hand. No knife marks. Hell, I'd think someone had used a saw like butchering a cow, but the bones... Nothing mechanical was used to do this. Harvey (v/o): Didn't you just say you couldn't tell what the murder weapon was? They walk down the hall to the baby's room to see the rest of the body. Oh, wait, no, they don't, Dolph just brought her down the hall because... Dolph: Your opinion isn't worth anything if you don't see everything. Harvey: Hmm. I guess you're right, Dolph. Better bring her down to the septic tank, too. After all, it's important that she see everything. Anita: (about a blood-stained teddy bear in the baby's room) That damn bear is going to haunt me. Dolph: Me, too. Harvey: (seeing a teddy bear placed beside him) What are you looking at? Harvey (v/o): Dolph explains that they can't find the baby boy anywhere, but that it was the mother's body in the living room. And so, the comic ends with Dolph bringing her to the kitchen, where whatever it was that killed her came in. Anita: (narrating) The room was spotless but covered in slivers of glass everywhere. Harvey: Well, then, it wasn't spotless, now, was it? (Cut to a shot of the second issue in the comic) Harvey (v/o): Well, apparently, it's my contract to do the second issue, too. However, I'm bored by this whole thing, so let's just skip through it. The cover is her looking at a dead thing under a bloody sheet. Seriously, they invented nose putty just for this woman's bizarre micro-nose. Blah, blah, blah, more CSI vampire-hunting crap featuring dead bodies. She comes up with a theory that it might be a zombie, and that she knows some people who can make zombies but is reluctant to give names. She suspects one of the people who might've done it is the "Voodoo Priest for the entire Midwest." Harvey: What, do voodoo priests electoral districts or something? Harvey (v/o): She sets up a meeting, and we see her daily routine. Anita: (narrating) I like this shirt. It hides the gun. Harvey (v/o): That shirt doesn't hide anything, lady. Anita: (narrating) Fish are my idea of pets. Harvey: "Anita Blake: The Laughing Corpse", ladies and gentlemen! Harvey (v/o): So she goes to the old voodoo lady. Bada-bing, bada-bang, something to do with zombies in the last page, but I was honestly so bored by this point that I didn't care anymore. Harvey: (holding up both comics in frustration) Geeze, these things are bad! There's absolutely no action going on, a lot of the dialogue is either clumsy exposition or pretentious twaddle. Nothing actually happens in them! Just people talk, and that can be fine sometimes, but when I hear Anita Blake is supposed to be a vampire executioner and all, I expect something a little more. But unlike the good Mr. Linkara and his ranting bull, let's end with a little number for all the dames out there who had to endure watching this crap. (Harvey gets up from the Futon and leaves. He goes into a darkened room as music starts to play. He begins to sing) Harvey: :Anything your little heart desires :Your slightest wish is my command :There's nothing I won't do :I'm so in love with you :Anything your little heart desires :Just say the word and I'll be on hand :To make your dreams come true :If you should want the moon and the stars that shine :And the sun from up above :I'll tear them from the blue just to prove to you :That you're the only one I'm dreaming of TO BE CONTINUED (Credits roll, as Harvey continues to sing) Harvey: :My darling, anything your little heart desires :I just can't do enough, my sweet :To make your life complete :If you should want the moon and the stars that shine :And the sun from up above :I'll tear them from the blue just to prove to you :That you're the only one I'm dreaming of :My darling, anything your little heart desires :I just can't do enough, my sweet :To make your life complete Swing, baby. I so should have made a Buffy joke somewhere. (Stinger: Harvey comes into a room where Pollo is) Harvey: Ooh, should've seen me out there, little guy. I knocked them dead. You gonna need me next week? Pollo: No, I have someone else lined up. Harvey: Good. Call me if it doesn't work out. (takes out a cigarette from his pocket) Found Linkara yet? Pollo: No. It is very difficult to trace him. Harvey: Eh, he probably ran off with some broad in a low-cut town. Pollo: No, you don't understand. There was a powerful energy surge from outside of this dimension. Someone scooped him up out of our universe and is holding him. Harvey: What about that guy with the goofy goggles? Pollo: I thought that might be it, but the energy signature was different from anything from either Insano or Linksano have ever used. We need to find him. Linkara has knowledge of an access to a lot of powerful items. If they should fall into the wrong hands, the world would be in grave danger. Harvey: I read ya, blue, and if you need anything else, just whistle, and I'll show those punks what happens when you mess with the kid. (puts cigarette in his mouth and leaves) Category:Content Category:Guides Category:AT4Wguides Category:Transcripts